Returning to work after maternity leave.

Shoutout to all the mums heading back to work after maternity leave.

For some of us this is one of our most challenging motherhood experiences.

I went through this for the first time 7 years ago with my son and will soon go through it again with my nearly one year old daughter. But circumstances are very different for me this time, and I look back at the past grief, self-compassion and some regret.

When my 7 year old was born, his father and I weren’t plush financially. We had recently moved to a new state and I was away from family and friends. Our relationship was struggling.

I’d had an emergency c-section and suffered immensely with the pain of recovery, shock on my body and post-surgery symptoms. I found bonding with my baby difficult too. My lifestyle was not the healthiest at this time either.

Breastfeeding was painful and didn’t go well from the start. I didn’t get the help I needed and succumbed to (well meaning) pressure to use formula by the time my son was 4 months. This devastated me as I really wanted to breastfeed.

In the year or two before falling pregnant I was taking antidepressants for uncontrollable crying and anxiety that made me nauseous 24/7. The depression continued postpartum on top of new hormonal changes, and I did not seek professional help at this time. Undiagnosed ADHD was also doing its thing.

My little boy was a delightful baby, but not when it came to sleep. Awake every hour in the night for months on end. The sleep deprivation often brought me to tears and again, I didn’t ask for help to the extent that I really needed it.

Wheh I went though all of this, I was just 20 years old. My own brain hadn’t finished developing! It’s crazy to look back with perspective and realise just how much I (and my sons father of the same age) was trying to manage so young.

Now to the return-to-work part.

At 5 months post-partum, while very much in the thick of all the above, I went back to work and my son went to childcare. I started back part time but quickly increased my hours. At the time I was working as an early childhood educator and was very fortunate that my son could be enrolled in the centre I worked at, though not in the same room as me.

When you go back to work after becoming a mother, suddenly you must split your energy and attention between two very significant aspects of your life that both demand your full attention and energy, your best effort and skill.

At work, you’re expected to leave your baggage at the door, be a professional, undistracted by personal issues. In my case I was expected to give my best looking after other people’s children, while my own child was away from me.

At home, it’s really the same. Being a mother is also about trying to shield your child from your baggage, be warm and responsive, not distracted by work or other non-motherhood issues (i.e. treat motherhood like a profession!)

At this time I was in a very passionate career phase - purpose driven, motivated to learn, ambitious, wanting to continue my studies. A part of me really wanted to invest in my career and focus on it at 5 months postpartum. Many mums want to go back to work as soon as they can and that is a valid experience.

But…I think what was really happening for me was that I found this new prospect of juggling motherhood and work so overwhelming and it was very much too soon. I didn’t know how to set boundaries for myself and my child or advocate for us about what support we needed to make the juggle happen and keep my sanity, so I chose to lean further into career than what was in mine and my sons’ best interests. I chose to pretend that I wanted to be at work and was managing being a career woman and mother just fine, just getting on with it. Not very emotionally available to myself, my partner, my son.

I didn’t communicate that I wasn’t ready and wanted more support so that I could make a different decision. I didn’t fully acknowledge to myself that I wasn’t ready. I didn’t take the time to think about how I could make staying home longer work, what changes could be made to make it financially feasible. I went back to work and shoved down my feelings of fear, guilt, overwhelm, stress, fatigue, anxiety, sadness. I didn’t pay serious attention to the physical symptoms that were trying to tell me everything was not ok.

I ignored internal resistance to the fact that I felt like I had no choice and instead acted like I was making an empowered choice to be a career woman and a mother. Like I had control.

For some of us, this at times unbearable pressure to be mothers and career women can lead us to reject our innate motherly wisdom and become emotionally hardened as a coping mechanism. We might reach a point where it is not actually possible to juggle all of what we are tasked with, so we unconsciously block out the most difficult and demanding emotional aspects. For me, this was emotional availability.

Tuning out emotionally as a mother led to attachment difficulties for my son. It contributed to the breakdown of my relationship at the time. And it led to so much unecessary personal suffering and regret.

Perhaps you are open about not wanting to return to work after maternity leave but feel you have no choice. Or maybe you have been trying to juggle work and motherhood and maintain a stoic exterior but you are suffering in silence.

I have some suggestions based on my regrets about how I handled this time.

• If you really don’t want to go to work to work yet, talk about it. Tell your partner, employer, friends, a counsellor what your concerns are and ask for support. This might not change your return to work plans, but don’t pretend to be unphased or bury your emotions because you think you are supposed to just get on with it. If you are struggling with this transition, talk about it and ask for help.

• Prioritise attachment. Decide that you won’t allow work pressure to get in the way of developing a healthy attachment with your child and ensure your child’s attachments needs are met. I have a blog post coming soon about how to do this.

• Understand what becoming emotionally unavailable can look like for mums - that outward persona of career focused boss mum who can do it all can be a front to protect us from our emotional vulnerabilities that are naturally amplified when we become mothers.

Take some time alone to journal and reflect on these questions when you are making return to work plans:

• Have I communicated how I really feel about returning to work and what I really want?

• Have I done everything in my power to advocate for mine and my babies needs when I return to work?

• Have I communicated what support I need from others when I return to work?

• Am I clear on and comfortable with my employers return to work policies?

• What boundaries do I want to set around work so that it doesn’t negatively impact my personal time and relationship with my child?

• Is returning to work my only option? Have I considered all possible alternatives and ideas to make staying home feasible?

• What will I do if I become overhwhelmed with juggling work and motherhood? What will I do if my child is not coping with my return to work? Brainstorm specific actions you will take to address this rather than ignore it.

Are you struggling with returning to work after maternity leave? Don’t struggle alone. Send me a message and share your experience!